


Everything I wanted

by kimi_hana



Category: Joker (2019)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Comfort/Angst, F/M, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-20
Updated: 2020-04-20
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:53:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23758675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kimi_hana/pseuds/kimi_hana
Summary: Arthur has a nightmare. Thankfully, you're there to help him with it.
Relationships: Arthur Fleck/Reader, Arthur Fleck/You, Joker/Reader, Joker/You
Kudos: 18





	Everything I wanted

**Author's Note:**

> It's been a while. I miss my boy so much and there's hardly anymore works coming out for the Joker movie from what I'm seeing and I'm real sad about that so here.  
> \--  
> Inspired by Billie Eilish's "everything i wanted"

Sleep never came easy to Arthur Fleck.

This was something you found out about very early on in your relationship. He always tried to come to bed with you. He always tried to fall asleep, your embrace and face providing a familiar and comfortable warmth. It should have been enough to lull any lover to sleep. And it would have.

Except his thoughts were too loud, too brash, too violent for him to sleep on some days. His head was hardly empty but on those days, especially, he felt his head was going to explode like a grape. Eventually, after having stared at you long enough to be sure you were sound asleep, he would slip out from your arms and hobble into the dining area to flip his worn, yellowing, journal open to start writing. Many a time you have stirred awake in the middle of the night, awoken by the cold air in the room and sorely missing the warmth of your lover, and gone to search for him, only to find him hunched over at the table, musing to himself. Always a heartbreaking sight to see- your Arthur, busy scribbling down the thoughts he could have never brought himself to tell you. You knew that on days like those, he must have really been going through some shit. While you always made it a point to tell him that he could always trust you with anything and while he did tell you what he was going through most of the time, there were still some details that you could tell he was hiding from you. You never wanted to pry though, hoping that one day you could finally let him trust you enough for him to be transparent with you.

This would have been all good and fine until one day everything just got too much to bear.

And it all came crashing down.

The one time since forever that Arthur Fleck managed to fall into a slumber, he jolted awake.

He had bolted upright immediately, his breathing ragged as he panted heavily. His eyes were wild as beads of sweat coated his forehead and dripped down his temples. He frantically whipped his head around to your side of the bed to see if it was real. To see if you had really disappeared from his life, to see if he was just imagining it all, to see if you were never really here to begin with.

"Oh, my God," he heaved. Your sleeping face causing a wave of relief to flood through him. "Oh, my God."

He brought his hand to his eyes and slid his palm over them, pushing his hair back and taking in a deep breath as he did so. His breathing slowed but still laboured as he tentatively reached out his trembling hand to cup your face. His thumb slowly and gently rubbed circles on your cheek.

My God, you were real. And you were here with him. Thank God. Thank you.

He felt his eyes well up with tears that begun spilling over. Oh, what relief it was just a nightmare.

And then he felt throat close up. Oh no, not now. 

He tried to suppress the bubbling laughter that threatened to erupt from his throat by folding his arms over his mouth and pressing hard on his face. But he was unsuccessful and his pained laughter soon started bouncing off the walls of your shared bedroom. His loud cackles woke you up from your sleep and after having taken a few brief moments to blink your sleep away and process what was happening, you hurriedly flew upright to envelop him in a hug, making sure not to hug him too tightly so he would still have space to breathe.

"Breathe, love. I got you, I got you," You croaked, voice unused from sleeping, as you rubbed his back gently in an effort to soothe his fit. Your heart wrenched painfully in your chest as he wrapped his arms around you before burying his head into your shoulder to muffle his laughter. "I got you. Deep breaths, love, deep breaths. Try and follow me." You inhaled and exhaled loudly and slowly, trying to pace his breathing with yours in hopes of bringing his fit to an end. After what seemed like an eternity, his laughter slowly started dying down. He hiccupped violently a few times- a signal that his fit was ending. You continued cooing, rubbing his back and massaging his scalp until his breathing had calmed down some. You had continued your ministrations and held him for a few minutes more, basking in the silence that washed over the both of you when he finally stopped.

"You okay?" You gently pulled away and lifted his head so you could look him in the eye as you asked. He remained quiet for a long time. 

He had wanted to say "Yeah, don’t worry about it", but with the way your eyes were searching his with a silent question of "What happened?", and with the way you woke up to him having a laughing fit, you were obviously not going to let the matter rest at that.

He meant to say something, really, but he just didn't know what to tell you. So he opted to hold onto you tighter and ducked his head down, avoiding meeting your questioning stare. 

"Arthur, say something, please." You begged as he held on to you as if you would slip through his hands if he let go. Apparently, it seemed like he was afraid to speak, too, in case you would disappear if he opened his mouth to answer you. Having been met with silence minutes after you had asked, you sighed exasperatedly and decided to pepper kisses onto his forehead until he finally decided to start talking.

It was almost as if you had read his mind. Almost as if you knew that he needed a physical reminder that you were 𝘢𝘤𝘵𝘶𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 real and here with him, that he's not just dreaming this up. He knew that he had already received many signs of your presence in his life, but time and time again would he need the reassurance that you weren't going anywhere. With each kiss of yours slowly confirming the fact that you were present with him here and now, he finally found the courage to voice up.

"I had a bad dream." He croaked, his throat raw from his fit. You sighed heavily with relief that he finally started talking and planted one final kiss on the crown of his head.

"You wanna talk about it?" You inquired softly before slowly lifting his head to look into his eyes again, gently caressing his cheek as you did so. You felt him release a shaky breath.

"Okay," he replied slowly and meekly. You waited for him to start speaking again.

"I don't know where to start." A long silence followed. His head lowered to his chest.

"It's alright. Take your time. I'll be here." You ran your hand up and down his back, attempting to soothe his nightmare out of him. Arthur relished in the feel of your palm brushing against his bare skin. He needed that. He found it hard to believe you wouldn’t just fade away. But your touch grounded him. And you knew this, continuing to rub his back, occasionally sweeping your hands down the length of his arms to squeeze his hands in yours.

It took a while more but he finally piped up. 

“I dreamt that you weren’t here.” Those words broke your heart and you felt it ache in your chest. “I dreamt that… you were gone and I was alone again. I tried to reach out for help but no one cared. I tried to find you, but you weren’t here with me. I think, when I called out to you… you didn’t recognize me.” His voice cracked near the end. He sucked in a deep breath to compose himself. “I don’t remember what happened exactly,” he hiccupped as he searched his fuzzy memory of a nightmare, “but I think I felt like I was cornered and I wanted to….” He hesitated. He didn’t want to say it. He knew it would hurt you. But so highly attuned you were to your Arthur that you didn’t even need him to say it. And he was right- your broken heart shattered into a million pieces at what he insinuated.

“Oh, love.” Tears started welling up in your own eyes as well. But you refused to cry. This was about him. You didn’t want to make it about him comforting you saying that he wouldn’t leave your side or dream about hurting himself, especially not after he just did. “Oh, Arthur, baby,” you couldn’t help your own voice from cracking.

“I’m sorry.” He spoke quietly. He felt bad for paining you.

“No, don’t be, love. It’s not your fault. You can’t help your own dreams.” You looped your arms around his frame once more and cupped his cheek to lift his head so he was facing you. His eyes darted to look beside your head. “Look at me, please.” He didn’t dare, afraid that he’d let you down, or even worse, that you’d disappear if he tried to look at you. “Arthur, sweetheart,” you cooed, your chest aching from his lack of eye contact. “Please.” You brushed your thumb against his cheek.

He chewed his lower lip and he started shaking his foot furiously. Finally, after what seemed like forever, Arthur meekly glanced into your eyes. The smile you gave him when he did made you look, admittedly, a bit aged with kindness and sincerity. He didn’t even realise that you had been so, so tired. And yet, you never tired of him, never gave up on him. He didn’t even notice how much time had passed since you devoted yourself to him. Once viewing himself as completely unlovable, you came along and swept him off his feet, making his days a little brighter, showing him a more colourful side to life. But try as you might, you could never completely fix him, only managing to heal him broken parts of his soul, the scars and cracks still prominently etched into his mind. And so explained his situation, nightmares and troubling thoughts and all still coming back to haunt him.

“I’m here, with you.” You assured as you leaned into him. “I always have been and I always will. I’m not going anywhere.” You pecked his lips. “I love you so much, Arthur. I care about you so, so much. You are loved, baby. You deserve the world and so much more.” What a lie. You knew he was too good for this world. The world didn’t deserve him. But you needed to keep him here. “If only I could change the way you see yourself. You wouldn’t wonder, then, why I love you so much.” You honestly didn’t know what else to say. “I love you,” You smoothed back his hair and placed a kiss on his forehead. “I love you,” Another one on each of his eyelids that fluttered shut in shyness at your actions. “I love you,” One more on the tip of his nose. “I love you,” And finally, a firm press to his lips. You hadn’t noticed tears had streamed down your face as did his. 

When you finally pulled away, he gently pushed your forehead against his own. “I love you,” he whispered, “you have no idea how much.” A pause. “Thank you.” He murmured.

“For what?” You asked softly, afraid to break the tender atmosphere.

“For helping me. For being with me. For loving me.” He replied. And for the first time since he woke up this night, a gentle smile spread across his face.

“Silly man. You don’t need to thank me for loving you.” You mirrored his smile.

“I do.” No, you don’t. “I’m not the easiest person to love. But you stay with me anyway. Thank you for that.” He shifted so he resumed his position next to yours on the bed, as did you.

“Neither am I.” You responded half in jest, and half telling the truth as his arms wrapped around you. You both had your own inner demons to fight. But being by each other’s side made you both stronger and made the fight all the more worthwhile. “Thank you for loving me too, then.” You murmured into his chest. Come what may, you renewed your vow, you would stay by this man’s side and fight his monsters alongside him. And if you could, you would choose him all over again. You would continue to coddle him with all the love that he deserved and show him his real worth, and he, you. As long as you were with one another, no one could hurt either of you. You would have everything you wanted.


End file.
